suffering can be gripped early on..

           
                       a story i share in thanks to mother + our family..

if any of you know her, then you would know she would want you to truly allow this to trigger your thought now as you adjust. so not to get to any of this suffering.

            if i would have known how to co_evolve for positive interrelating, to gain personal growth early on:.

            if i would have had the opportunity to be supported to raise myself before having children, learn misuse within myself + family:.

                               how many of you are still with should of/would have..
                                           
           sorry mom, if only i could be so lucky to have some of the beautiful qualities you had.

                   we then could have had a natural relationship vs. dysfunction up + down with joy, leaving interpersonal how tos` - not able to have room to define. I could of at a young age participated instead of perhaps shoved away from disassociated energy. incorrectly deciphered. in result of fear based/misinformed thinking, it would produce this + that, basically assumption from limited fragmentation/thought. we/i know now to assume for another is inefficient.

                           You can now grip the moment + prevent. work with loved ones as this info may trigger some thought to understand. while you have the opportunity.

support from professionals don`t need to be kept in files, rather exchanges in real time application.. you can continue to add input + if no response, keep reaching out, don’t give up.

my plan to keep my children, stay with ill grandma vs. ex: saying she not good for children to be with. when she had so much organic goodness to offer. i weakened + had to leave. it is very hard not to have your children, when you think you are just dropping them off for a stay, communicating, then come back to find, a court procedure is in process + they are pulled out of your arms.

      Then court fragments information, ex; i late to pick up from sitters, which i was for real reasons, along with other distorted stories. How they forget how difficult it is for a single person to raise children when x-husband doesn`t pay his part. as i was building a business.

                so many specialties with grandma`s healthy garden she worked all her life, plants, preserving, recipes, root cellar, she built her own house + wired it, played variety of musical instruments, sang in a band with grandpa, sent everyone a birthday card as she thought of all, yet very little support from family. amazing how stuff gets in the way. the fine detail that keeps folks from succeeding the same, especially when family offers so much. as each preoccupied with self-produced issues. as well she knitted or crocheted a present for holidays for each, gave me my 1st loan to open shop. + now when she needed help. the courts think because she ill with cancer, not a good environment for children.

i was unable to over come the emotion of being regulated to see my children yet live close. Especially with a neurotic stepmother, in between me + my children.

it is very difficult when each don’t have gauge of understanding as in the intensity of need, which we did not. rather she said she was good + had another move in. you see this behavior carried down to my mother. which I already had to work at/still am with my grand children carrying on behaviors, from me.

           Others where caring for her irresponsibly, without me knowing.  i had already made other decisions. trying to keep myself together experiencing what i did when wanted my children, as in could not call but certain times, could not drive into driveway when picked them up, where they where + the step mother expected to talk to me every time i called them or she would scream + i would hang up, knowing that was not what i wanted my children to experience. what court`s fail to see with their ruling.

          i even could of more so helped grandma with her fear. later to discover, that would of presented itself more by more contact. she had worked as a young child for a large work crew feeding them meals, her father was very strict German + would not allow her to talk. she eventually ran away with grandpa. Mother says she remembers seeing his face filled with holes to the bone with cancer. Which cancer eventually fill her as she unable to show doctor her lump in breast, until too late.

       + then misinformed guidance from western doctor. Leaving her with much discomfort. + could have been stopped with early signs from those that know eastern ways incorporated, which I see now, when then i could not believe her needs unmet..

           Such as relieving her constipation, helping her with digestible nourishing meals for prevention, an ability to speak up when family members abusing her. Her nausea after chemo, etc. as cancer went thru her body.  which as more of this became clear + others came aboard to help, she enjoyed some time playing cards + smoking marijuana  was the only drug that could relieve her discomfort.

grandpa had died prior to grandma having cancer. He died with a stroke quickly + painfully in the foreign hospital due to never having been in one. he was tied down also which was very hard to see to prevent from pulling tubes out. with window open on him which could of contributed to the pneumonia. i was not familiar to him, but no ones else could be with him, so i stayed + watched this very uncomfortable struggling. in hindsight after watching my farther`s terrible experience.

        where he told me after he progressed as i initiated many things, that he told me that he was aware of all during stroke + if i would not of done that the other doctors wanted to let him die, telling my brothers, prior to me being aware, thinking no other way. due to me showing a few mistakes i believe was the only reason they pursued what i asked.

This is so hard to be unskilled yet have feelings yet to develop. I see now the rock I bought for dad to give to doctor for allowing us to precede with ex; herbal formulas brought to home so therapist could put on swab on throat, congees + most important communicating that this works + he has the ability to get better, which he did progress from feeding tube to talking/eating again + moving body as he developed mobility in stroke areas.

                  this is why i see grandpa should of went home + cared for in a place that he knew. + probably would not of died from struggling so hard to get free.

As a child seeing this feeling their must be another way yet watching western medicine care like this with many experiences, was very hard to observe. i knew something could be done. + now with Traditional Chinese medicine it is clear.

                     grandpa had farmed potato + green onions. played music, + did not like it when grandma gave away her hard work to brats, i can see now, as all of us children no way where even aware of such work load as they had experienced throughout their life. + early on we were irresponsible, untrained. Yet grandma would sneak us her fruits + vegs, preserves, welcome us to her pantry with crocks of pickles/sauerkraut, her cookie jar filled with homemade variety of beautiful designs, textures + flavors.

           being raised with a toilet, clean water + meals everyday very tasty, even though not nutritionally balanced, along with a warm clean bed + clothes already makes us take life for granite. having no clue of family participation when so much was given to us, done for us.

            mother + dad did their best with their limitations passed on, wanting this all for us, yet when it is given, many just desire more. vs. being real in exchange for obtaining + sustaining with these resources. this was my mistake, leaving home young to go to work thinking I could help buy own clothes, help with stuff, which I did. not realizing how that takes you away from truly getting to know family when you are not do_in together. all else is material stuff.

     list goes on with several people sharing suffering that could have been prevented if education, social structure, political intervention supported awareness for all freely as they help one get clear of some of these missing links that are so valuable. Which can be done now from students as i propose:

           as they come out of classroom into our community where all undeveloped children - young + in adult bodies, become aware. then a child after hands on application with interchangeable mandatory roles aiding/building community, now become clear to fine tune their needs + studies. Vs. dysfunctional with information over load unprocessed for human consumption. paying large loans, studying fragmented information misapplied, thinking they know, yet little do they self-develop, rid baggage + learn inner-personal centering..

                so as to truly apply + maintain discipline over their self-sensory observation vs. belief, they had picked up as normal, passed on as a bad behavior, etc. now not just succeeding for others but truly not suffering.

   same with dad he had his mother not accept him due to gambling on ferry boats on the Mississippi as he tried to provide income as a young boy, to help her with very little funds, then off to war.  early on, teacher would beat him so he beat his kids.
being in the military never made him aware of how to handle aggression within himself as well w/his family.

    sadly leaving great negative effects on my brothers, one in particular that would not give in, so they had constant battle. sadly as being the youngest, experiencing all this, i reviewed his medical files later on. + never did they bring their good ideas to fruition working w/family. rather it stayed fragmented or in files, + files + files. w/new Hepa laws over the years protecting one, yet not realizing how when anyone is ill, people should work w/family closest to these people. this has been very fragmented.

   Native American people did this well w/their sand paintings, working w/all whom related to the ill person. then to create a beautiful sand painting that the ill person would stand on, then wiped away.

           mom worked hard. i asked for behavior modification from her doctors, so mother would self-reflect, which she did learn with me later + they thought i stressing her + would not follow thru.. The doctors notes where very sad to read. mother carried forward grandma`s understanding of not telling one directly so as not to hurt feelings. so i not clear of all when said.

      Point was as much as I tried to give her support, it would have been helpful for doctors to welcome me in on all in real time. that did not happen ever. As well with many ongoing cases, where I would put energy in yet once doctors came aboard, they supported patient which was good, but it is fragmented when not look at all they involved with. leaving it harder on everyone..

    i`ve seen several doctors loose it, as my teacher or as family members doctor. so many people are blind to what can be. so do explore doctors that have continued their studies with TCM – Traditional Chinese Medicine. which are happy to share opinion w/western doctors

i won`t get into each personal suffering experience i have witnessed here. But mother`s is one that needs reflection. we all did many mistakes along the way. I realized to late + still would need to see her medical files from perhaps 1 in particular that she liked. Her lung specialist, which after many times of mother`s misuse, especially on her inability to tune into damage lungs as a child with reoccurring pneumonia, stress, + learn to live within her skin, etc.

When i saw behavior i did my best with my limited ability to reflect it with her western doctors as well Yun Wang, an eastern traditional Chinese, in Beijing, doctor, that had intervened several times in my life to aid our discomfort + others with much success.

But i believe after mom`s specialist helping her get thru her severe cases of pneumonia, that she was confused over his inability to better her awareness by treating her whole being. vs. leaving her with her regular on going doctors that would be incomplete, while she continued to suffer + repeat what she did not understand.

                i would continually try to find one for her where she wanted to be after i relocated her, which was a big mistake i think. Those who where personal with her would only know best how she shared her feeling of me, whether good or bad, which having a sister that would state she would hide her feelings, + as well i know vice versa mom would do the same about her to me. Each stating a different story.

After a lengthy over view of mother to a new doctor, he advised a nurse to intervene; yet i still not clear. He feeling mother was mentally fine yet it was a family issue disrupting, etc. mother was a mother to all, + had many issues with each child. Strangely my early on dislike for her, ended up with me loving her + she then treating me as i treated her at a young age. But after many attempts from her + i to resolve this ongoing struggle of her energy depletion, her doctors would not do anything when i would say she needs some behavior modification.

                   we eventually got better at knowing the intensity of each others understanding + did enjoy some quality time, sadly too little too late.

But each time a new doctor, new pills after pills after pills + her energy daily was very distraught, as she attempted to live independent. Which was hard. Now i see her choice to me to live with my sister was incomplete, perhaps hidden. Due to not wanting to share openly to me her feelings of her, expressing how bad she felt of her when she had fallen apart once she knew mother prior was on a ventilator for 7 days.

Folks you really + me, have had some serious misinformation about life saving devices.
                    we where totally wrong to not have a doctor that could help us understand. yes the very 1st primary doctor to seriously over see the specialist + be aware of family interrelating, bring all in together to discuss mothers health + get feedback along the way openly.  Many don’t follow thru.

This does happen with good people that become sensitive + skilled along the way + seriously do good healing, good educating for self-development for all involved. Truly aiding our sensors to become sharp so we can better understand how to maintain them.

Mother did not have this nor would she agree if it cost money, which sadly in the US, medical care is too complicated with forms, people lost in layers, short of time, expensive care + it is fragmented with unskilled people unaware of the next. Yes good people sensitive trapped in this field + usually soon leave it to define alternative medical ways + sadly many expensive.

   So when mom at 73 maybe partying with new love, which until now had had many men, but never climaxed to my understanding. But this one she had recently met had stuff that impressed her. He also ill, would dance the night away. Great, i was so happy, for she had just sold her house after a 3 year experience with her dying husband in a terrible suffering every day. he had been to vets hospital many times with i see now emotional issues undressed.

   Misusing himself with caffeine + cigarettes, + he was tested, yet his cancer not detected which was crazy, until to late. Then why even do chemo, for that made it worse as he weakened + struggle was harder as he would have to cough up a string of flesh everyday + cough + cough until it cam up so he then could breath..

   They both worked too hard + ready to retire in a lovely little log house we built, with them both agreeing to work on issues. well their end in it was not nice. chemo treatments made him very ill + weak bringing him home to mother with more work load. Home health was their. people you need to realize how you get trapped on the band wagon of suffering. they come in with fragments. being micro-focused or trying to be uplifting with small talk.

      So much can be prevented when all work together. once they come aboard + make a list to take the time + share it with family. this would also make their work easier when all on same page..

 Many in military have so many terrible experiences, yet so untreated when come home as they continue to live these nightmares, as many do.

Yun came into his life to late, as well he was awakening to other herbal formulas too late. His team of doctors turned him away from me like crazy. I could not figure this out. he was not being straight forward, his family blamed me, they where still on top of mother after his death, his son trying to take what was hers that he thought should be his.

Before he died he apologized that this was not him. It is so easy when weak to ride on another that misjudges from afar. stay centered + don’t let people do that to you. for it was just harder on him in the long run.

                         Point is the people helping him got a lot of money, a lot of tax payers money from insurance, etc. yet so fragmented. i tried to explain to Barack during this health reform, but i not clear if anyone listened. For the system to me i was choosing to take part in with Barack, OFA, + representatives are too impersonal for me + very automatic, wanting 5 more dollars.

Yes they respond but in generalized terms, where even though we have many perhaps wanting this personal attention, for their position + money gained they can be part of local communities hearing all our thoughts + then working it vs. us having to stay on top of them as I`ve told Peace Action West, when they say it works only when we keep on them.

This to me is inefficient + i won`t do it, i reroute for my needs + my need is to communicate + do this together with sensitive folks, not some that had contacted me from the democratic party that where quite racist in their newsletter. After a few more returns of my lengthy work with computer issues or as in now Barack not accepting long letters, I feel my work can be best appreciated redirected back into this project where folks can have an opportunity to reflect + post feelings. not cut off after so many characters.

So back to my point her i want to share is a serious issue. for many i have seen can not sustain the pressure of suffering loved ones. Nor have i had too many experiences with those that think they can. when they suggest partially stuff that makes no sense to me at a high price. + i stop them, as I go about my pressured way trying to make a decision that makes since as i did during my 20 days in the intensive care prior to mothers death, as i would only leave her to respect hospital policy of doctors on call.

Briefly several months prior to this, mother again had been under a new young lady doctor, that i did not like immediately as her lung specialist suggested + stated what are herbs. they are not to be used + or even suggested to mother from me, states this new lady or she would not come aboard. Mother liked her. But when mother had more difficulties, the doctor was always after the fact.

            Wearing me out due to having to attempt to address early on with nurses at the rehab to contact doctor to help. over several days she had been in a few local ones before with success  + came home always trying to figure should i stay in one or do i still want my independence. Meanwhile again she is repeating patterns each time. + some times she would just get up + walk out of the hospital + come home very ill.

  point is she could not figure out what was making these re occurrences. So after several bad attempts of watching mother so sick + trying to help from afar, + even did the crazy Ca rush hour for several months trying to find a solution, buy property or even build, yet it would not go thru.

    Why did we do this because continually her doctors where incomplete with her assessment + this is why a doctor needs to take personal responsibility for following thru with people.

    i took mother to be with sister due to her ill state after coming off ventilator. i had misunderstood her. When in essence she would of done fine with more sensitive loving ladies in her new apartment complex, that i discovered later. which i could of then stayed for a bit to help help. Her new apt was mistake due to it being 55 + older, leaving even me to young to help when she needed it most. such rules.

    i was going for the weather + garden ability. we fail to realize when 1 is raised in an environment they can handle much more then one thinks. i actually had to take mother away from a doctor, after experiencing such foolishness. She cried because she liked him, but she was continually repeating suffering under his care. He felt he was supporting her to die at home + that was the mental mode she was in. even when we had home care giver come in more + more, she was treating a dying person, that got more ill from side effects to drugs he had given her.

   when i`m treating her to simply overcome 1 illness, + gain strength + prevention + live. vs. this mental mode of dying soon.

   her care giver gave her emotional support from her perspective, some i appreciated, but not the excess vs. the daily needs to prevent illness that she was hired to do, that did not get done causing more illness.

Actually when I would fly out across country as i did many times once she in ill state + even then had to practically force her to agree. When she felt she was doing good she didn`t need me. Meanwhile she had my sister saying it is god`s will that she is dying + the whole atmosphere was that. + the doctors would think she was unable more, due to simply not knowing mothers way of thinking.

    She was very efficient + her ideals got misunderstood, they thought she was sicker then she was. She would not put on clothes, especially ironed ones, which took her a bit to get a way from all being ironed. But that was mother. she wanted to look good, but not when she was ill. + back to bed she would go. When doctor thought she was very unable due to not getting dressed. little assessments, incomplete judgment with western medicine add up. not knowing a person, is very damaging.

Folks, there are many good people trapped in western medicine. Along with many good doctors i`ve experience with sharing herbal classes with, many years ago. as they knew western medicine alone does not work for mind or body, due to not looking at our whole being as a living organism dependent on our natural world. Yun + like, have the skill to address different stages when we ignore our early signs + if not to late can help. + if to late still can help one be at more ease.

          i come in + understand a few more ways about mom + up she gets, i take her home, nourish her + think she able. yet to leave her back to misunderstood behaviors that end up taking her back down again. + now a care giver that wants to play doctor giving her personal care as if she dying, when she suppose to be giving her care for house, food + outings to live.

          which she felt without my constant watch was easier to just let go of the maintenance required to truly nurture her back to health, not realizing the importance + lack of, causing illness.. So yes mother soaked up the personal attention which was also needed, but not good when other responsibilities not met. so back down again. so it was a continued juggling act.

          in saying this mom ends up with this last young lady doctor under lung specialist. + i respected mothers desire to make it simple. Meanwhile i had great success with Yun prior, by taking mother off all her steroids, oxygen, nebulizers, etc. + tapering into his herbal formulas + then taper off them. which her lung specialist admitted her lungs good.
                       
         in between mother had an ER gallbladder removed, her doctor did not pick up on. remember each time mom went into the hospital we are talking 30 to $50000. medical bill paid by tax payers after mother depleted her resources to point of almost going crazy, etc.

   Yun has been in our life off + on for over 30 years. + sadly he would just start getting mother better. then she would grab onto her familiarity in my eyes - such as those that saved her in hospital when she felt her worse.

                      back to lung specialist, she would go.

    which someday I hope to have another chat with, ask if he could release his thoughts which he always said was confidential. when I would try to get more, even as in her extent of lung damage from other specialist. Yet got no defined answer. i put a lot of focus on her lung specialist she saw locally, for Yun was from afar. + she came close to spending time away with Yun, but something would come up + back to local fragmented care.  

   This was a several year work load for me. + you could say i interfered as many did, causing her grief. or as she would say what would she do with out me. All her affairs I tried my best to do, especially when she made it hard + would not live with us. so I handled them from the other side of the planet with no problem once I knew clearly, she wanted her own independence. so i helped her do it.

           it was the lack of clarity that drained our energy + funds, so we bought our present boat, after we sold our last one + the party ran not paying us. to take to mexico + take a trolley back to her apartment in san diego. But she died in the process.

           while we where getting this boat, she had another set back. She was in rehab + continually i prioritized talking to her + her nurses. as i saw her young lady doctor overlook + be incomplete. Meanwhile I caught a cold from good old boat world folks in the northwest. which i thought would soon end. Never did i ride on such a long wave where i was unaware of balance, for the more i tried the worse it got.

     i was weakening myself to the point that this monster needed serious stuff to rid. even a friend of family said let me give you an antibiotic, which i felt at that time i didn`t need, it was just a cold.

     i said i can`t go to mother with this cold, she`ll get it. + she did. after her doctor which i took her to after i signed her out of rehab against doctors will, for i could not bare the foolishness with her care. Mother was constantly with issues/reactions to drugs, i was getting weaker so i had to make a call. Meanwhile i took her back for her appointment + doctor said no problem mother won`t get my cold she has plenty of antibiotics in her. + offered nothing for me.

She was wrong again. + i was a fool to give into mother + her. But point here his mother + i progressed over these few months so well. i`m still struggling with this working to hard. But meanwhile i cared for mother`s issue + she had never looked so beautiful, getting her off again all these meds, tapered into herbs. Where her lungs where good, she could breath. + sure once a week maybe a few herbs if she did not adjust in time w/weather..

     she had eye surgery + could see, after several years of her doctor not being able during her ill times, yet promising. Which I said had to end + did. for this is crazy to live to die, at home as her other doctor was supporting, yet important issues not in place. such as real support for her real needs.

               i was glad to have the strength i did. She fell in love with Mexican music which she had for sometime. + had met a young Mexican man with a family that had lost his wife on the highway. My relationship with her was a beautiful experience, she was living not waiting to die.  We where working to relocate her. For the apartment was a 55 + older + I was to young. + could not stay so this was very hard, going + coming.

    then on top of this an 80 some year old deranged woman above her turns me into police for abuse, mother had a bird on her door that would whistle every time one would come in. she could of just talked to us. rather she was in sane, she screamed at me every time she saw me. she would sweep dust over mother`s clothes off porch when i would hang her clothes to freshen them out side. She made it unbearable for me, yet she was old, ill + i hated to disrupt or fight her in court. so i did my best.

        Later to find she continually called also an older neighbor + harassed her to death. She was calling us + hanging up. + she had done this also to this other lady because she would get her number shown as she placed the calls.

People there are many of these out there not properly cared for. i`ve done my best to make insurance claims on the doctor that i felt was wrong, especially after i had went to his ex boss doctor + told him i felt he was living off of mother, interfering in her ability to self-sustain. he said when i told him that he punched me in the mouth.

     when she caught the cold, the signs where so normal. She progressed to get worse + now looking back one of the night`s before she had showed me a sign of being very tired + when she fell over i thought this is rare. i said mom we got to go to hospital, she would keep saying no. i figured it was a lung issue again, bp was low + i wanted to make sure equipment was right. + after signs of getting better she reversed. She went down very fast. her body had fought the negative experiences from her suffering too long + they had worn her dearly.. in hindsight she should of went in the very 1st sign to a rehab to be monitored carefully, but it was not available.

     Well to make this story short, i took her in, she was like dead weight. The ER folks thought i was terrible waiting so long. I told them what had happened + a nice ER doctor was supportive, understanding. then next day she wanted me + her Mexican music + i came in + they had her tied on her back + i said don`t you check her file, she has a L5 i think or 7?? deteriorated disk + would be in pain laying that way at home. So they instantly untied her + re positioned. then mother went down. I was talking to her thru her feet. A nurse shook her + said see, she not what you remember, + I told her to never do that movement again, for she was saying I was over stimulating.

     Well after few more requests in trying to get real w/tests they did that blew Yun away, they where so incomplete. so i was still unaware of her status. a specialist with nerves tested + said oh my someone is in their, as i was telling them all along but they did not listen. She had a stroke after they died her on her back. I slept in her room in a chair I don`t advise for 20 some days + ended up not being able to walk for almost 2 years, could run a bit, but worked it thru.

    But her young doctor, i didn`t like called + said mother having difficulty breathing + wanted to ventilate her, i said ok, + give her morphine. Mother never wanted to prolong nor have pain. She liked the morphine the 1st time on ventilator. When it helped her recover + she had got off. actually that had been over a week i could not get in touch with her from afar. + wished her well as i would hike sending her energy + love. + i was soon to follow thru. i have learned not to project negative worry when not know. So i gave her extra focus from afar from some beautiful places. i was moving + thought she had traveled to her sister.

    Then her lung doctor said amazing her lungs in good shape, this is something else. Her kidney failed + kidney specialist could not say if mother on her way out or not, so i said do the dialysis, so we can see if this is temporary or not. Meanwhile she was showing signs of this blood not able to clot, i was awaiting medical reports to send to Yun for advice. When he finally got + said she not that bad + they where incomplete. Meanwhile she was gaining weight.

    Poor mother remember every time she went down they would bring her back with steroids. + she would blow up, if any of you know this experience. mother said the last time never again as she worked hard to get free of them with Yun`s help. She had worked off all the puffers, ventilator, oxygen, steroids + ended up taking a few of Yun`s pills a few times a week when she would feel a need.

              our family friend from ER said if not clotting blood must be liver. Do you folks know what side effects you get from all this medicine mother took. + at the expense of - 1 time 1000. plus per month we paid.  Add this to my brother`s nightmare, which sadly he not a lucky one to have support to get off, that is another story some other time.

I said let me go to Canada + get it cheaper her insurance would not. + 1 time when my brother`s program actually shut him off + sent him a letter he couldn`t read, they quit his medicine. When I went to his doctor she said no problem don’t need them all, with no support of tapering strong steroids. Later she quit him after I asked her to reconsider a mistake perhaps, after she failed to write a legal prescription preventing him from getting his meds corrected.

some doctors have no time, they get very pissed when someone rocks their wave they riding on.

mother continued to wiggle her feet as we talked, continued to gain weight as her beautiful body we worked hard went done. fluid`s continually given as she was unable to process them.

mother donated her body to the medical school. which after her death they stated they could not discuss anything.

But I see in hindsight as Yun said her file is incomplete for him to assess, that they had given to me, he laughed as he did many times. + actually offended mom at times, for she had followed so much misguidance so naively.. he knew her child behavior had to get a grip. yet he would be honest to her. his mode of thought was for her to sharpen her sensors + get better.  She did.

But now i feel the nurse`s follow doctor`s orders. the doctor on mother`s team was stating I was not seeing the tree in the forest or what ever that saying is. My sister said to take her off all the medical equipment let god take her, which she actually did unplug the last day.. + yet I was mother`s spokesperson so they had to listen to me. Few people came to say they would put her in another room or call in minister, which was not complete for me, so i disapproved. i felt we will do what ever it takes until we can be clear on which way she going. Which I would ask for tests + not get. As i saw her decline.

Nothing was told to me + when I asked they did not know. For me to take her off the equipment would mean she would have no support to breathe or pea. Meanwhile she still moving her feet with me as I would massage + be more gentle especially after the next nightmare I experienced of this 16 year old young girl in same hospital:.

             + Arab with a very large family visiting. praying + holding her hand so tight it was blue.  once i got more involved feeling something not right here when they wanted to start cutting off her limbs that had turned blue. to save her. she had went into a coma after entering hospital with a cold.

             i got more gentle with my touch with mother + did my best, sharing with her what i was experiencing, mother was always interested to know what was going on.
             i had actually told this family about Yun to help define if she was dying or not before they cut her limbs off. he was always was very loving to aid me. + yes he is human.

he had forgotten me when i had called to get prep so mother would not catch cold after my feeling was sensing her doctor wrong in judgment once again. Moms package was there after i got home from her already in hospital. But all the years Iive known Yun, he has been so real with simple thought that it is foolish for any of us to think we know. no matter how much we study. whether a doctor degree or even an acupuncture school in the US.  when you work with one clear like Yun, it is simple to better your care if you work with yourself + him.

Yun teaches in the Seattle Accupuncture school, sharing several years of experience + training in China`s medical school. As well does stroke research.

              when folks are simple + clear as Yun, they see early signs + do know how the human works most efficiently. Then follow thru with herbal formulas + people do not get the damaging side effects as mother did on her organs, after carrying stress from all the western medicine. Her ER surgery with diseased gallbladder + list of issues, should have been noticed with early signs throughout her life + wasn`t.. the sensitivity + simple ness is not here with my experiences observing western doctors + I`ve seen many.

they don`t follow thru, once give serious medicine that leaves side effects, so patient takes too long, or not enough, etc. when could have herbal formulas growing local. but pharmaceutical companies are true ecological whores + they market heavy to doctors, that have very little training with them.. as well when they do discuss their feelings they do not follow thru with time + sensitivity. to define how family + patient are doing/do_in/perceiving, healing etc. not to mention understand what went wrong + how to go beyond.

                   i know stress of misuse is a killer + mother did that all her life + that is wrong for any doctor to not follow thru with more analysis. when a family member brings it to their attention/vice versa or get negative feedback of the family member stating it. so aware if right or not with perceptions. with holding feelings from any one produces more inefficiency for healing + balancing. Making a work load for many + some get paid a lot more then struggling family`s.

i see a new couple that traveled here last summer. He looking for work, she very upset, living in truck. she had a stroke + he fought to have another opinion elsewhere. Without success.

                    i told Barack in health reform, doctors need to go back to school with patients until right. + Yun could instruct. As well our community workers to follow up + organize as students can freely with community, come together to grow these herbal formulas + balance our ecosystems which is our best medicine. As well students can follow thru to make sure + give support to the many caregivers/health providers/specialists gone wrong or family members that can’t fulfill. As well fill in understanding of what the other is unclear of, etc. many experiences i`ve seen are true horror stories that i followed thru reporting on.
 
i would share nice experiences + try to be very honest with mother. but i`m sure with all i was trying to do, my clarity was also clouded. Research i saw + felt that would work was very expensive, yet simple ways should come freely + do in some places where folks build community that self-sustains.

Yun took cash from us, + did receive insurance from those that had coverage, for many folks are more progressive aiding communities to work + come together with solutions. yet many are not yet able to get out of the niche they in misusing. Trapped unclear, as many have gained from their codependency, in attempts to survive..

i feel if any one truly cares for another, while you aid them you should think of them being along + how your input can aid that. For it is easy to give + feel good, yet walk away + all left unable.

I would work hard preparing for mother to be independent up until the end as she wanted. Her doctor thinking she could die at home was totally off the wall, for even people she care for her at night, change her, where not in place. My care with her provided people to come thru with her awake states. for that is what she needed when i not their + yet their was times when air flight so expensive i had to leave sooner then i wanted. Or had more work due to not being able to stay in with her or her coming with me.

So folks reflect with this, for when it comes down to taking off someone from equipment, which a friend did to his mom, she was aware + they knew nothing else could be done, + took her home to die.

My experience was not clear so i was staying with life before preparing for death. + to see her gain so much weight, i see now the doctors did not balance this correctly. i wanted badly to hurry + get tests to Yun, they delayed for quite some time, while she blow up. giving fluids  as they did, I`ve thrown notes away but hospital must have records.

This is where they are not good. to balance this debate. If they felt she should have been put in another room taken off equipment that she was dieing they should have been clear. All organs have a life span. Mother was taped + as they would take off tape she would bleed. + i would tell them not to + they would do it again. as i would come back from my time i had to leave which was an hour I believe in am + in pm for doctors rounds.

Folks the last day mother’s nurse kept calling + telling me her changes as i was home showering, laundry.. her nurses where so diversified, some very sweet + understanding + others, i would want relieved from mother. but when i got their this nurse was trying so hard to save her, when why - she was already beyond saving. They had no clue. i let after mother left. Meanwhile they call me + tell me she is dying. i said she already died. They said we got her back. i just left. my sister was so bothered from the life support that i choose to define her condition, not to maintain her body as it disintegrated.

i`ve heard stories from an ER nurse discussing this issue with doctor. She felt they stop to soon once organs start going down. I know many times mom was down but came back up. it was not a matter of god`s time, it was simple foolishness in diagnosing + treatment. + once supported + fine tuned, she would get better. so ask yourself how you want to think about this. it is a good ideal to get real with experiencing others in it. for the foolish forms to fill out about your care, does miss a few points.

                    mother was a beautiful lady + gave so much to many. many people listen + put their loved ones in another room, pray, over drug + starve. This is not my 1st experience with stroke, my father also, when doctors realized he was not worthy + was starving him. then i came + found this out it took me some time to get him food legally. i also was his spokesperson. + i was gone when this happened, so my brother was with him + said well if nothing you can do to doctors then do what must.

i had a neuro surgeon that does not want his name known know, but he visited from afar my father + said this man is alive + can be helped. this is another story. + did gain strength before he died with heart attack. As some folks thought i was terrible to put him + mother thru so much grief to want to keep them alive.

After doing it several times prior to mother it worked, sure never this many issues but if a body is dying to the point it can`t survive, at what point do you want to continue to survive `as is, + with what aids, while in discomfort..

           When mother couldn`t breath comfortably the ventilator aided so don`t fear it so much. When you have to pea + can`t it hurts. so to test that out is still not an issue. which mother`s technician with kidney dialysis mistreated me from the beginning.
                  but to see the exchange of body signs. which was not explained here as mother progressed or not, only when in need.  at least to me, I could see their way of caring for her was not the right way or she would not show all these physical deteriated signs. so test wise the minute she could not get her blood to clot I would imagine her tests on liver would show that,  or they need to be perfected. With TCM they use more sensitive gauges. they did not show this to me, nor am I skilled to read it the results, but Yun was + was awaiting them. yet Yun - to this medical team had been disrespected all along:.
                    with such foolish unaware uneducated verbiage they had disclosed to me + mother over the years. with her lung specialist as well her other doctors + then this young doctor should not practice until she goes back to school. As well others.

It is wrong for each specialist to come in + do without the sensitivity, as Yun has to simply observe the whole being + work with it as he does by himself. Yes he will work with anyone that desires, read test results etc. but no way does he isolate care for he looks at the whole + prescribes accordingly.

Until Yun or others expressed their hands on experience with mother, or mother gave me a sign, i worked with perceptions. for i yet to be clear how to communicate as others claim to do with people that have died to truly define what I should of done differently..
 
What you folks think as far as my participation, i won`t know until you share. but i advise you to go within yourself, reflect with this story, + go responsibly set up your life now. don`t live for then, live for now + be clear. so you feel comfortable with a loved one making judgment for you, if you can`t or your paper work not in order. be clear enough for another to provide your wishes.

                     we are an open book + all signs present themselves. Just be clear how to respond with early ones + you will have no problem with the natural way.

But for anyone closely directly working with mother i would appreciate understanding how it could have been better for her.

As far as mother, after a few days of her getting a cold + she refused to go in, the day i did take her she asked me to just leave her their, as she fell over. which i could not. She may of known she was dying, but again i was not prepared to care for a dying mother in this apartment at this time, nor did i know she was dying, signs where not their. never a sense of clarity form her medical team, they where pulling different ways.

so get a reality grip of early on choices that make a difference when you can`t care for your self. it truly takes a team of thought + energy in place. Plus knowing how to ask or ignore, the right question to who leading the team effort. in a hospital or home setting, etc. plus legistics are enforced if no paper work in order.

As  I said to them i`m not the one that decided whether she lives or dies. i just saw medical negligence + saw how she could recover or yet to define if could recover, with my limited awareness. + i would give support until I knew.

                 Where doctors would have a different mindset of perhaps too much money to support, etc. or not able, etc. you have to ask those with you + discuss some of these issues, for it is very hard to just fill out their forms of what you want when unable, etc. + think you can perceive this, unless you have been thru it a few times. i refuse to guess what any one was thinking. For what I was told was fragmented over her life, good + bad cared for her. + especially the last 22 days or so prior to her death.

i know the morning of the night she died, i awoke to the most ugliest face, i had ever seen. i said what happened. For folks i don’t believe they have perfected when one experiences pain + morphine could have been incorrect.

it would have been nice not to see her go thru that. i do know when i had my hysterectomy i had so much pain after i awakened, + i’m the type of person that has dental surgery with no anesthetics. that pain was so bad i could not move my finger to push the morphine button. i was well aware but luckily my man pushed it for me. i would of hated to of laid their with out it. i instantly hopped on that nurse once i awoke with mother`s look..

                some of the nurses/doctors where so good, some where so bad.

it has been costly for many that suffered + still do locally + beyond, but this does not have to be this way.
 
After many have shared negative experiences, we decided to show positive ways to exchange solutions. please reflect + add what works for you. no need to become aware from more suffering.

                      to live is to die, this is natural, but to suffer is not..

stop your misuse now + it will help you be clear + share what works. so you don't have such hard lessons:.

                                     thanks to mother, her lessons of suffering can now be transcribed to help others, I thank her for her beauty as she lived for her family. + was always helping her neighbors. it is only the human specie that thinks they have to go to school to learn, when in reality we can open our doors + exchange our truth.
                      we are very fortunate to have folks sensitive to exchange what early signs are. as we take part in  community, rejoin` + part time during this process also reach out collectively building a stable support system starting with our ecological sustainability, yet instantly accessing a ER triage giving support to those in need. while together we support building our community.

sure you may be fueled to move on, but this insight goes with you + you will do it again + better after having hands on experience.

Time to break these aggressive behaviors that leave such suffering as folks never get support in awareness training. + folks run to other sides of the planet chasing greed leaving destruction in their path, once many prevented locally.

It is here we will address the intent + folks can energy efficiently self-sustain via reflecting. The world offers us solutions + harmony. peace is a choice we have within us now, if we hold our self accountable locally + afar, as well others.

                                         Wars are terrorist`s acts as long as 1 fights them. if we support cloth/table communication, allowing all to heal, self express. where we listen + seriously get our misuse together. see where we each interfere. In this network we cover all bases with folks networking in cooperation. No more should folks be left with misuse + abuse, not at this time of existence with such good technology. We can live local simply + it fuels so we can part time come together  in coop + network local + afar for those in need of understanding/healing, etc..

Some may think I leave you with mother’s story as a sad one. But please realize what mom did for all of us. she offered herself for what ever she should do + felt she was alive still due to god having her to do work + was very willing although her life was much in pain. If she would have been supported to self-develop. as she did in fragments. she would have been very clear to stop more misuse, that showed early signs. this is our design for us to deal with responsibly. Not a belief many are confused with leaving much misuse on self + others, as many live in conflict when they live with religion. Not to mention it has produced much aggression on this planet in past + still.

i felt + she agreed all her thought in religion preoccupied her from what she could of felt + responded to. vs. leaving it in the hands of a god. But she did not know of these simple options, nor i at beginning. we both learn`t  as we battled with confused signals with each other. sadly both being preoccupied in attempts to survive + help the other. when we became aware of early signs, we then exchanged with each other. leaving us a short time with quality exchange. + when both of us sick at the same time, it limited our exchange.

            folks take a review of what you are involved in for it is 1 sure thing that we will die + many not so fortunate to die quickly. You may have, if not already extended long suffering with extreme cost to tax payer or self, along with all that i mention from inadequate western medicine, if used alone..

When as i mention with Yun Wang, so much can be done by 1 skilled person, + done at low cost efficiently with early signs, making life comfortable enabling one to handle what ever comes about.

Yes unless we get involved in these community policies supporting when unable, then we also will be faced with same negative issues.

If we look at the wild, as being another living organism, another species, we then would see how unnatural we truly are living. with clear perspective of how we make our own suffering.

The natural process does not emotionally lose it or waste energy, rather very efficient with all energy.

                 Yes when her specialist referred her to another general doctor, after seeing several changes, he could of intervened + realized the inadequacy + negative effects left on mother. how she was not understanding her responsible needs not met or got to bottom of what weakened her. not to mention his limitations + understandings of herbal medicine. As i was very careful in how i would bring this into her life. with much success. + continually attempted to work with her about her true understanding of her dependency on western doctors that did not believe in herbal medicine + would fight me. Her respecting the family value wanted to listen to me, plus what she took worked. She shared it with others suffering. even though ever time I came in it was over whelming, sorting it out, having to update new people, etc.

                she also had the desire to go back to her lung specialist, which I understood some of it because he was good in many ways, yet when she kept changing general doctors, at times she was even out of his area, leaving her to have to go to another hospital to satisfy new general doctor. Leaving her to just walk out in severe illness, due to what she felt inadequate care. For some hospitals are much better staffed then others.

                as well mother’s last doctor that stated she would not treat mother if i continued to even talk about herbs. i felt she was very unskilled as i observed mother suffering under her care at rehab, which caused me distress + left me preoccupied with her nurses + her.

               when she was on her way out, i could only watch + give mother love at this time, for all they would do is call + say mother is in need of this machine, we don`t know + need to try, + i would agree, thinking it could be as before + perhaps could recover + felt it important to follow thru with all available..

               all mothers care with western doctors has continually been stress for me. to attempt to fill in what they missed or help resolve negative effects caused.. I`ve gone out of my to update my feelings. my early on requests for behavioral awareness was ignored + then later on others disagreed + one confirmed. Meanwhile good people where available if a few others didn’t interfere + stop the process.

peace is our option now, we can support each to see it, even though it may take a while to truly feel it. but with the tools we have in visualizing, concentrating, self-massage to our entire body as in DO-IN, natural herbal formulas, fresh local grown natural food, plugging into our earth, taking part in our community to become sustainable, enjoying the wild to remain wild, we can soon feel it.

                           beautiful things can happen when we truely communicate with our loved ones, all our life. big surprises of nurturing how tos for all come in little packages..

                 
   
                                thank you mom, our combined`effect, made a difference.